I’m not backsliding. I finished up almost everything on my to-do list for the day. In fact, I finished most of it before lunch (short list, haha). Still, I feel good. I woke up around 9AM after waking after consistently after 10:30 for the past several days.

Also, I finally launched the Chalkboard Manifesto blog. That project has been on the backburner since summer. Now it’s off the backburner. Things are looking better for me.

I looked at my hand today and said, “Fuck this. I’m taking the day off.” I watched the Ravens game on TV.

Shouldn’t I be industrious all the time? Don’t I need to work out and out-hustle everyone to get ahead in life? Was this a terrible idea?

I still think industriousness is a mean, and that you do have periods of relative inactivity. There are probably weekly cycles, and maybe yearly cycles too.

I just worry if I really needed the day off, or if this day was an indication of some slippage. Hm.

Five days isn’t that long. I’ve read that it takes 30 days to develop a habit. I’ve also read that that statistic is total bullshit. Regardless, it isn’t too surprising that within five days, I haven’t turned into this amazing industrious machine. At this university, I’ve tended to cultivate an image of not being a hard-worker. I live on the edge, writing essays the morning they’re due and then getting an A- anyway. I don’t do half the reading I’m supposed to. I’ve never read Immaneul Kant, despite it being required in two separate philosophy classes. That’s the image I’ve given, and sometimes I actually live up to it. (Confession: I have actually tried to read Kant. I’ve frustrated myself reading and re-reading certain passages, comparing them with my notes, until I finally understood them.) It’s unsurprising that I’ll have to work hard to change this aspect of my character, which I’ve been practicing for almost 3 and a half years now. I have to cultivate a different image. See even now, I’m embarrassed to admit all the hard work I put into understand Kant. On the one hand, you want people to think things are easy for you. Yet at the same time, you don’t want to cultivate the image of a slacker.

Now where was I? Ah yes, five days. Yesterday, I woke up at 10AM. I didn’t do anything productive until after 1PM. Most of that time was just surfing the internet. However, I kept looking down at my left hand and I felt guilty. This didn’t stop me, but I think it’s an improvement. At least now I’m mindful of being a lazy bastard, instead of feeling guilty after-the-fact. Actually, my hand didn’t even have anything written on it, but I still was mindful. It wasn’t a completely wasted day, in fact. I submitted a story of mine to a digital magazine run by some students at this school. Who knows if it’ll be selected, but at least I’m putting things out there. I also read an RFK speech aloud, in order to work on oratory.

Today, I turned on the television after waking up at 12PM. All the college football games looked uninteresting. This does not normally stop me from plopping myself on the couch and watching football all day. I managed to do some laundry and finish a book, Revolutionary Characters, about the Founders.

I’m encouraged. I think I’m making baby steps towards my goal of changing my character. In my journal, back when I just started this experiment (day 2?), I was very discouraged. However, I know that focusing on the negative cannot result in a change in character. Keep telling yourself, “I should stop being lazy,” but you’ll never actually stop because all that’s on your mind is how lazy you are. You have to praise your positive activities, and not harp on the negative actions. So, after reminding myself, I wrote that I did a good job focusing on reading my book when I turned away from my computer. This from doing reading that took three times as long as it should’ve been. I chose not to focus on that and focus on those moments when I was able to be productive. That’s what I’m going to keep on doing, using this weblog as a tool to keep myself on track.

I’m going to keep up this experiment at least until the end of the month. That means 15 days more to be more mindful about industriousness.

As I reflect back on my young life, I see that I have no accomplishments. If I were to write an autobiography, there would be little to note. In fact, why the hell would I even write an autobiography? I have a couple of pieces of writing in college publications, and I have a relatively obscure webcomic. No fame, no glory.

I can’t help but think of what young people have done. At age 20, Alexander was already king. Newton was inventing calculus in his twenties. Goodness, I don’t want to be accused of being arrogant, but I am ambitious, and I want to emulate the best. (Of course, I don’t want to be a warmonger like Alexander.) I just want to use these people as examples of how far I have to go, and it appears as if I’m not making any significant progress to doing significant things.

Then, I read this about Thomas Paine: “Paine’s campaign on behalf of the excise service collapsed, and in 1774 he was again dismissed from the excise service and compelled to declare himself bankrupt. The future scarcely looked promising; at the age of thirty-seven he had failed at everything he had ever tried” (Revolutionary Characters by Gordon S. Wood). Okay, so I’ve still got a little more than 15 years — I’m almost 22 — to mess around before I can make my mark on the world, and then die in obscurity and be maligned as a dirty atheist for a century. Just kidding.

If I even want to be in a position to do anything, though, I’ll have to practice writing and speaking. I have to be ridiculously prolific when it comes to writing. I don’t have to do it all at once, but I want to at least put myself on the right track. I can’t wait for inspiration. I have to produce and produce, and in that time I will hone my craft. In 2 years, I want to look back and be proud of that body of work, even if it’s not all published.

I’m trying to be more mindful of being industrious. I’ve only been doing this experiment for a few days. I already have doubts. Is industriousness really what I want? I’ve thought up different goals. One question: “What are you building for tomorrow?” Another: “Are you being prolific?” To me, industriousness conjures up an image of plodding. All these different things race through my mind, but I resolve to keep with the original experiment for at least another week.

I’m convinced that to do anything even remotely approaching success, I must take an active approach to crafting my personality and personas. I must mold myself into the person I want to become. I’ve decided that the proper approach, taken from Ben Franklin, is to focus on one virtue for a month. These may not necessarily be the ones Franklin used, or match any set of classical virtues. The first virtue to cultivate is industriousness.

Written in pen, on the back of my hand, is the phrase, “Are you being industrious?” I’ve decided to utilize a technique from lucid dreaming. I would constantly ask myself, “Are you dreaming?” Eventually, this habit would find its way into my dreams. I would ask myself if I was dreaming, and then realize that I really was dreaming. Back when I found myself working on positivity, I noticed that even in my dreams I actively worked towards the goal of positivity. I gave advice to dream-people based on that paradigm. The goal with the industrious question is to be constantly mindful of industriousness. I want it to permeate my thoughts and influence my dreams. That will be when I know it has started to become part of my character.

Now, this does not mean I will become a workaholic. I’ll take a cue from Aristotle and say that industriousness is a mean. It is between being a slacker and a workaholic. I just want to be productive.

This is an experiment. I do not know if it will work or fail. I know that I did become a more positive person after actively managing that part of my personality. I am a perpetual procrastinator, though, so I may have trouble. I will work on it for the month and see if I become more industrious.

I fucked up, big time. Well, that’s all you blog readers get, sorry. That’s just a note to my future self.

It’s been a long time since I’ve received any hate mail. I’d get some good hate mail back when I was running Psycho-ward.org. I love hate mail. There’s nothing more invigorating than receiving hate mail. On the flip side, there’s nothing more devastating than receiving a critique that you realize is mostly true. I think something I’ll have to keep in mind is to be as invigorated when receiving the latter, as I am when I receive the former. Certainly, the latter is much more valuable for self-improvement or improving one’s product.

It was rather gloomy today. Overcast. The post-Bush world isn’t really going to look any different than the Bush Era, is it? Where are the magical unicorns? When is racism over? When is bin Laden going to turn himself in because he sees the shining beacon that is America? When are the troops coming home?

Also, hung over. Was that the hope or the tequila?

9PM – CNN won’t call AZ for McCain right away. HAHAHA! I don’t expect Obama to win that state, but this is a good sign for the national trend.

9:21PM – McConnell wins his tight race. *sigh* That would’ve been a good win for the Democrats.

9:26PM – O-H-I-O! Woo!

9:31PM – No Republican has won without Ohio (in a long time or forever, I don’t know)

9:34PM – 200 Electoral Votes for Obama, from MSNBC. I’m currently watching Fox News. This is a “center-right” nation, lol. “Obama will try very hard not to press a liberal agenda,” says Kristol.

9:38PM – Talking with Lloyd on AIM. New Mexico called for Obama (hence the 200), and it looks increasingly unlikely for a McCain victory. I’m still waiting on NC, IN, MO, or FL.

9:41PM – “To call it a narrow path is generous…” says Chuck Todd.

9:44PM – 200 for Obama still. California has 55. Oregon has 7. Washington has 11. That is more than 70. It’s over, I think. I swear the math isn’t right. I can’t believe it.

9:54PM – With more results from “fake” Virginia, the race is tightening. So said Lloyd a bit back. Almost time for Daily Show/Colbert coverage.

10:39PM – @ 11PM, it’s going to be called, when polls close in CA, WA, and OR.

11:15PM – Daily Show had the best sketch ever!

11:15PM – Ladies and gentlemen, we have witnessed history. America, for the first time ever, has elected a half-white president. It gives hope to half-white people like me, who hope to be president one day.

11:19PM – Concession speech. Keep it classy, McCain.

11:34PM – McCain was gracious. Thank you for dropping the demagoguery at the end.

So far, Obama has 333 electoral votes. It’s a landslide, folks. We’re not far off from my 375 prediction.

11:45PM – Prop 8 is leading. Damn.

12:27AM – Before I say good night, one last thing: U-S-A! U-S-A! I love this country.

MSNBC’s coverage is brought to you… from teh FUTURE!!! OOooooohhHHH! Silly super holographic representation of the polling data. Too tacky.

Silly CNN coverage, with the “ding” as state results come in. Sounds like a video game. A bad video game, with Wolf Blitzer, the douchebag.

I’m supposed to write a paper today (or a lot of it today, and some of it tomorrow), but I don’t know how that’s going to be possible. There’s too much election crack out there, and I will be snorting it up. My addled brain won’t be able to write about Aristotle.

Here’s my guess: Obama wins with 375 electoral votes (Kerry states + CO, NM, VA, OH, FL, VA, NC, NV, IN, MO). I figure if Obama takes North Carolina, that’s a bellwether for how the other swing states are going to go. Georgia will go to McCain, there’s no way McCain loses AZ, and I don’t trust the polling in Montana and North Dakota. If Obama doesn’t win North Carolina, I think he’s got a good shot at it. If Georgia is “too close to call,” then we’re in for a landslide. Whatever the margin of victory, I’ll be happy.

Vote no on 8! Vote for Obama!

All signs point towards an Obama victory. It’s kind of weird. I’ve never had a (living) politician I’ve actively admired. I supported him through this election, being one of the first million donors to his campaign. As time went on, I definitely became more of a partisan — I really don’t want McCain elected. One could say I am “in the tank” for Obama. I’m still angry about his telecom immunity vote, but I’ve put that aside. With any other politician, and with a more credible opposition candidate, that would probably be a deal-breaker. What I really don’t get is what I do after the election. I will feel more free to criticize him, but I won’t stop liking him. Honestly, this will be really weird having a politician in office who I actually admire.

I have a paper due Wednesday, so my blogging will be light until after dinner time. Of course, I’ll have to write some type of post-election essay.

I feel like this thought-provoking piece, The Right to Remain Silent, is aimed exactly at people like me:

Take a hypothetical young talent with contrarian inclinations. Movement conservatives would counsel him to make his way up their ranks. But suppose he ignores their advice and joins the New York Times—or the Cleveland Plain-Dealer. There, even if he never classifies himself as conservative, he pursues stories that expose the perverse incentives of well-intentioned policies, the human costs of mass immigration, or the reality that, as Steve Sailer puts it, “families matter.” Not only are his eccentric interests not a liability, they may even prove to be an asset. His ability to see the world differently gives him a monopoly on stories that his colleagues cannot or will not spot themselves.

If the climate of opinion ever shifts, it will not be thanks to non-movement conservatives working within mainstream establishment institutions. My advice to young conservatives: avoid the movement, eschew its enticements. Above all, ignore debates as to the true meaning of conservatism. Heed instead the words of Ezra Pound: Make it new! After 60 years, the movement has succumbed to bureaucratic inertia and regression toward the mean. Conservative ideas will flourish only after conservatism is forgotten.

I’m not sure I will completely eschew all these debates. I do want to talk to the new movement conservatives to get a sense how the right is changing. I would even like to become friends with the conservative leaders of tomorrow. Still, while I want to interact with that world, I think it would be better to stay outside the bubble. I’m really tired of the labels conservative and liberal, and they don’t mean anything when applied to my own views. I’m conservative insofar as I am heavily influenced by Burke. I will follow my own views wherever they take me, and join the party that’s closest to me when I choose to enter politics. I won’t choose a party, and then change my views to fit it.

I’ve stopped reading some of the conservative blogs I used to check out. The only reason I’m where I’m at now, idea-wise, is because I read reasonable liberals. I will stagnate if I keep reading people I tend to agree with. Any advice on where the reasonable conservatives are?

I’ve been unusually quiet, considering the importance of this election. I haven’t been writing enough. Instead of writing about politics, I’m going to take a little time to write about myself.

I was probably feeling best about myself over summer. I enjoyed my job, and I was doing a lot of reading. I was learning a lot. I was working on being a positive and confident person. However, I was very afraid of losing that when I went back to Hopkins. I thought that confident guy would disappear.

He kind of did. Through September and October, he started fading. I felt less confident about myself. I got that old feeling of being “adrift” and not knowing what to do with myself. But now, I’ve been working on focusing on the positive. I’ve been trying to become the person I want to be, and not dwell on my mistakes. Slowly, I’m becoming even better than that person was in the summer. My confidence is stronger now.

I’m also filled with a renewed sense of purpose. I know that I can’t get away from politics. That’s what I want to do. It dropped out of my life for a while, for some reason. Maybe I was afraid of what it might do to my soul, or maybe I was just afraid that I wasn’t cut out for it. So I’m going to have to do the requisite studying and talk to the people who’ve been there.

I’ll be honest, I want to work my way up to President. If you’ve been reading this weblog since the beginning, you’ve probably heard that before. What’s different is this time I want to do the work. I want to work for the people, and deserve to serve them.

I am a fan of Henry Clay, the Great Compromiser. I want to be able to bring that kind of approach to my political career.

I’m going to study, study, study, and work on my oratory. More importantly, I’m going to work on becoming a more virtuous person. That is most important, for a public servant. Everyday, I’m going to work on becoming a better person and working towards my goal. I need to refine my writing, through constant practice, as well. I’m going to find places to publish. I’m also going to need to find the right people, who’ll help me on this journey. I need people with a deep respect for the truth, and for the American people. And they need to be smarter than me on the issues (not too hard to do). They’ll also have to keep me grounded, and make sure I don’t lose my moral grounding or become narcissistic or desire power for power’s sake.

I’m really, really going to have to get over my fear of asking people for help. I have to build up a network of people.

I already have one friend signed up for the ride, who wants to be involved, behind the scenes in politics. I told her, “Tell me the truth, no matter what, and we’ll change the world.” I’m excited.

An image just popped into my head. It’s from a book I read this year, but I don’t remember which one. It’s an image of a person throwing their sack over the wall, thus committing to going over that wall. Here I am. This is the path I’ve chosen. There’s no turning back now. And when I feel doubt (as I most definitely will), I will simply have to put one front in the other and force myself to move forward.

And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think?

McCain, back in the summer, with one of his first lines of attack called Obama a celebrity. He compared Obama to Paris Hilton. He wanted Americans to think Obama was vacuous and was only around because he was famous.

Enter Joe the Plumber. McCain has turned this so-called “everyman” into an integral part of his campaign (at least for the latest news-cycles). I don’t know about you, but I have trouble relating to a guy who became famous for asking Obama a question, and a guy who’s trying to secure a country record detail. Plumber turned country singer? He’s famous for being famous. He has no qualifications or foreign policy expertise. He’s trying to cash in on his fame with a music career. Just like Paris Hilton’s musical adventures. What’s next for Joe? A DUI and a reality TV show?

I can’t relate to Joe the Plumber. Maybe I’m just not a real American.

Surprisingly, I’ve been talking to people, and McCain’s selection of Palin has made a huge difference — a big negative effect. I spent a lot of time emphasizing that the VP pick doesn’t really make a difference, so that’s why this was surprising to me. Then again, you don’t expect a campaign to be so scatter-brained as to pick someone they hardly vetted. This is the GOP. They sacrifice the long-term for the short-term. They’d sacrifice their morals if they could win a news-cycle. Sarah Palin was all about winning the news cycle and taking away Obama’s post-convention bounce. It worked, but afterwards, McCain has been tanking in the polls.

Now, I’m not a polling outfit. I only called so many people, and they weren’t exactly randomly selected. However, it was interesting to hear Palin’s name come up unprompted when I asked who they were voting for. She really was a deal-breaker for people who might’ve given McCain more of a chance. One of my friends admires McCain a great deal (ever since 2000), and Sarah Palin was a strong factor in his decision.

Still, if you look at the empirical data, you’ll see that the Palin pick does worry a lot of people. [Note: Find those polls.] [Another note: I will probably not go back and find them.]

I never would’ve guessed that a Vice President would make that much of a difference.

I have some sort of illness. I don’t think it’s a cold because the only symptom is a cough. Thus, I think it must be the SARS. Anyway, I’ve been spending my time today calling lots of my friends, encouraging them to vote for president and vote no on prop 8. After my last call, I erupted into a violent coughing fit. Geeze, the things I do for my country. Don’t tell me I’m not a patriot, Sarah Palin.

I still haven’t given up on this idea of a political Realignment. Strangely enough, even though the GOP brand is poison to my generation, I’m not quite so sure this will be the case 10 years from now. If indeed the big divide will be between young and old, the Democrats still look like they’ll defend the status quo of social security, which is becoming increasingly unwieldy. If the Republicans rediscover empiricism, there might be a window in which they can steal the young vote. Of course, this may all be hogwash and the future party of Palin will get crushed by Obama, and won’t recover for a generation.

Life doesn’t neatly fit into chapters. When (if?) we end the Republican reign by electing Obama and several more Democrats, it won’t be the end of the ugly side of the Republican Party. Face it, they won’t wake up after election day. They didn’t wake up when we didn’t find the WMDs, when we screwed up Iraq, when we tortured, when they lost in 2006, and they’re not going to wake up now. They’ve laid the seeds for their denial of reality with their false claims of voter fraud and their villification of ACORN. They’ll cry that McCain didn’t take the gloves off (when all his negative attacks were the cause of his rapid fall in the polls) and their hero will be Sarah “Palling around with terrorists” Palin. Even if they lose the election, this isn’t over. This isn’t over by a long-shot.

After the fall of the Bush-Republicans should begin the rise of a new Republican Party, but it won’t happen automatically. The Ugly Republicans — the Rovians, et al — have a stranglehold on the Republican media, talk radio and the like. We see glimmers of honesty. Even on Fox News, you have Chris Wallace questioning McCain about his robocalls. You have the Ron Paul Republicans who want to “Restore the republic.” That’s so refreshing after 9/11 brought in the age of the “homeland.” And everywhere, you have Republicans who aren’t racist fuckheads, who aren’t asshole Machiavellians, who aren’t heartless torturers, and who aren’t incompetent, proud ignoramuses. The trick is to get us, even though we won’t agree on everything, to band together and kick out the incompetent party hacks who got us here in the first place. That’s going to be a lot of work.

So as much as we would like to close the book on the Bush Age, it’s not going to happen. The Republican Party needs to be transformed. The loss is a necessary condition for such a change, but it, alas, is not sufficient for the change. It will require hard work, especially on the intellectual end. Conservatism, as we know it, must die a little death. It will not change into something altogether new (conservatives don’t believe such a thing is possible anyway), but it must be something modern. It must see how human nature works, and not vow to reform human nature itself, but put in fetters to restrain our dangerous tendencies. Yes, this means regulation is necessary, but we should be judicious. It means a conservatism which respects ancient laws, like habeas corpus. It must be scientific, not anti-science. It must respect the planet. As much as I’d like to go on, I’ll stop here because this isn’t something that can fit in one weblog entry.

Even for you who aren’t conservative, remember that the real work begins after the election. The Democrats have continually caved in to Bush’s demands, thus garnering approval ratings lower than Mr. President himself. They are also in the pockets of several business interests. Obama himself voted the wrong way on telecom immunity. We’ll finally have a president who’ll listen to us, but you have to make sure you shout louder than the enemies of liberty and democracy.

It seems as if the NFL has been thinking about how to protect quarterbacks. I know a rule change which can easily solve the problem: Eliminate the forward pass.

I’m really tired of conservatives who worship Reagan as a god (or as I often vulgarly put it: “Stop sucking Reagan’s dead cock”). I keep coming back to this one quip from Reagan: “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” Then, I think, what if he had said this after Hurricane Katrina? I don’t think conservatism can survive if it continues to be so anti-government. Yes, we can be skeptical, but you cannot start with the premise that it is inherently impossible for the government can do anything right. (For the moment, let’s ignore Bush and the Republican Congress’s massive expansion of the state.)

Why I should’ve live-blogged the debate, Reason #1:

Joe the Plumber Denies McCain’s Friend Request

Weirdjosh: I have a story with a simple beginning
Weirdjosh: come with me on a journey
Weirdjosh: My arms are sore
SCHIZO KILLER: wuh?
Weirdjosh: from last night. while I was here, I had to go up to the server cages to do some work, as you might expect
Weirdjosh: but I had forgotten something downstairs after I unlocked the door and started setting up
Weirdjosh: so I had to go back down, and before I left I locked up
Weirdjosh: problem: I had taken the keys out of my pocket and put them on the console to keep them from digging into my leg while I moved around
Weirdjosh: and neglected to put them back in again when I left because I was distracted by having forgotten that thing
Weirdjosh: so now I’m outside of a locked cage with the key to the cage inside
SCHIZO KILLER: excellent
Weirdjosh: I’ll have to paint you a better picture before I move on
Weirdjosh: these cages I’m talking about are fenced in areas of a building filled with racks of servers. there’s about 12 or so racks in cage two, each of which must hold at least 20 servers if not more
Weirdjosh: the room itself that contains these cages has a very high ceiling with exposed air conditioning ad wire racks because they need to be maintained and worked on so often
Weirdjosh: so the fences go up to the height of a typical size, but the ceiling continues on above it, with rafters and stuff all over
Weirdjosh: so I quickly assessed the situation and realized I had a choice
Weirdjosh: I could call Brian at 2 am and tell him I’d locked myself out and could he please come and bail me out
Weirdjosh: or I could climb the cage myself and get the stupid key back, and hope that security didn’t think that was too weird
Weirdjosh: you may well guess which I chose based on my story’s beginning

Applying my tactic of deconstructing systems in order to sift for the truth, I cannot reject Christianity outright, I think. It is not all bad, and has not produced uniform evil.

It would be easy to divide Christianity into the miraculous and moral, to try to separate the non-earthly elements from the earthly elements. (I think of Thomas Jefferson’s version of the gospels.) No, I think you must deconstruct the morality of Christianity. There is some good in it and some bad in it. I don’t think atheists can properly communicate with (and perhaps convert?) Christians until we stop harping only on the spiritual aspects of religion. We must engage with them and show how not only their myths are wrong, but that their moral system is inadequate.

I bring this up because a prime trait of the so-called New Atheists is deploying the tactic of ridicule. It’s a good tactic, and appropriate at times, but it will not win the debate. That being said, none of what I have said is particularly new. I’ve heard excellent defenses of the morality of secularism versus the prize-in-heaven religious morality. However, we must be even more specific. What specifically can we preserve from Christianity?

So those are my initial thoughts, and I think it would be a good exercise to go through the parables, and see what’s worth saving.

A good time to get drunk is when you’re moving, especially if you’re a packrat. When you’re drunk, you don’t really care when you throw things away. By the time you think about what you’ve done, it’s too late.

I don’t think this works as well if you have children.

One of the cruelest things you can do is tell a lie and a truth at the same time. A deliberate mixture of truth and lies is hard to separate. People tend to either swallow it whole, or reject it all outright. The acceptors point to the truth and ignore the lie. The rejectors point to the lie and reject the truth. Neither of them will agree with each other. If it’s your guy, or the other guy, then you’ll take up your respective side without much thought for segregating the truth and the lie. Each side thinks the other side looks silly. They are both right.

The quest for knowledge involves not looking at systems always as whole systems. Systems of thought, even when they appear to have a keystone, are often separable into truths, lies, falsehoods, bullshit, and various states in-between. It’s your job to figure out what’s what, not to reject or accept outright.

I didn’t pay as much attention to the debate today. Usually, I invite several friends over for the debate, and it’s very rowdy. Today, it was very quiet. I also have an essay hanging over my head.

Did anyone else get this sense of strange cognitive dissonance while listening to McCain on foreign policy. I mean, he was saying things that I thought made some sense. He sounded very pragmatic, at times. He noted that he knew when to send people in harm’s way and when to show restraint. Yet all of that is belied by the big fat counterexample of Iraq. Not only was McCain wrong, but he was disastrously wrong. He never thought it would be difficult. He believed Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” banner. He would say things that were right, but all the while, I was shouting “bullshit” in my head. Undoubtedly, I would’ve said it aloud if there were more people over.