Category Archives: Satire

Coast Guard Institutes New Imagination Measures

After hearing that intelligence agencies were not able to deal with 9/11 due to a failure of imagination, the Coast Guard has instituted new imagination measures that will enhance security. The Coast Guard has brought in Hollywood screenwriters to help them think up possible terrorist scenarios.

The program has been a large success. US ports are now safe from time-travelling androids, neo-Nazis out to find the Holy Grail, large albinos, and zombies. The Coast Guard is still working on ways to defend from Ocean’s 11, but those thieves are so damn crafty.

“Now we’re able to defend America’s coasts from any far-fetched hypothetical threat people can dream of, an efficient use of your tax dollars,” said a high-ranking member of the Coast Guard who wished to remain anonymous. (He exists. Really, he does. I am so not making up this source.) “Even if that threat is aliens who look just like normal human beings or a meteor directed to hit Earth by evil terrorist wizards, we are ready.”

The Hollywood screenwriters have also devised a new method of containing terrorist threats, which they call BAMF. (Hollywood screenwriters always write things that are highly original and did not steal this from Dane Cook.) In all Hollywood movies, an alpha male bad-ass motherfucker (BAMF) always saves the day from the terrorists. The Coast Guard is now working on ways to breed these BAMFs.

They have hired ninjas to kill an infant’s parents and have dropped the infant off in a monastery where he will spend all his time learning from monks the art of badassery. The monks will try to instill discipline, but they can’t control him… he’s a rebellious badass motherfucker. They’ll all be like, “Hm. This one troubles me,” but who cares because they’re stodgy old monks, and he’s a BAMF who’s gonna save the world.

The Coast Guard has also utilized a type of training called the montage. They have kidnapped an average Joe’s girlfriend, and now he must learn how to be an incredible warrior. They have taken camera shots of him slowly improving while set to music, since this is the method in which all heroes go “from just a beginner to a pro” (Source: “Team America: World Police”). Other methods have involved exposing a man to nuclear waste, cosmic rays, and dangerous insects. These methods have not yet yielded positive results, but the Coast Guard holds high hopes for the orphan method.

Despite recent budget cuts, the Coast Guard has insisted that their new imagination measures will ensure the protection of US ports at a fraction of the cost. America believes them. A new poll released states that 90% of Americans “feel US ports are adequately protected” after the Coast Guard recently announced the hiring of well-known bad-ass motherfucker Chuck Norris to defend all 361 US ports.

When asked for comment, Chuck Norris killed our correspondent with a roundhouse kick… through the telephone.

[This is satire and all of it is false, except for the fact that the Coast Guard has enlisted the help of Hollywood screenwriters to defend America from terrorists. At least, I hope that’s the only thing that’s true. I found the link to the New York Times article via: Schneier on Security.]

All Quiet on the Eastern Front

Supposedly, today was supposed to be a Day Without An Immigrant, a day of marching and economic boycotts. Here in Baltimore we fared pretty well. The New York Times tells me they had rallies coast to coast, but it was quite quiet here. I think it’s because we have black people to do all those jobs. That’s the point where you scoff and say I’m horrible, but hey, you know it’s true. You praise me for my political incorrectness. Of course, no one utters a word when the pundits tell you undocumented migrants from Mexico often displace unskilled African-American workers.

They say they want to be American, but their movement has become a parody of itself. First, they want to be American, but they wave Mexican flags. When somebody finally gives them good PR advice to wave American flags, they up and go translate the national anthem into Spanish, call it “Nuestro Himno.” Honestly, I couldn’t think of anything stupider if I was trying. Well, I could try: Take our flag, put an eagle over the stars, color the stripes red and green, and call it “Nuestra Bandera.” On second thought, I probably should’ve kept my mouth shut because I’m afraid I’ll see someone waving it at the next immigrant rally as proof of how American they want to become.

I think their marches are really counterproductive. Since when did you see Americans marching for anything? Oh, the 1960s? Yeah, well, newsflash: The 1960s are over. 9/11 changed everything. If they really wanted to show how American they were, they would be more like Alex Sanchez. This is what the New York Times said about Alex, regarding the boycott: “‘I was thinking about not buying things, but then I needed to buy stuff,’ said Alex Sanchez, 28, a construction worker buying an avocado, chilies and beer.” If you really want to be American, stop marching and start sitting on your asses. That’s what the rest of us are doing.

I know, I know, you’re marching because the House made it a felony to be in here illegally. Big whoop. There are already 11 million of you in here and you think a silly little law is going to change things? Look, we had laws in the first place and they didn’t do any good.

But if you want to march, hey, go ahead. Good luck. Congress doesnt even listen to Americans; do you think they’re going to listen to you? Our good Senators will just work really hard to preserve the status quo while pretending to make comprehensive reform. Hint to the sleeping giant awakening to American politics: Comprehensive doesn’t actually mean comprehensive. And neither does reform.

If you really want to make an impact, get a Spanish version of Bill O’Reilly and put him on Telemundo. Get a bunch of your DJs and make them talk-show hosts. That way, all your people can be angry and promote capitalism at the same time — instead of this silly marching business. They can buy whatever the equivalent of Factor Gear is in Spanish. If you’re really lucky, you can get some Congressman on your side. You could even work hard and control all three branches of government.

Good luck with that, though. We Republicans have done it already and we can’t even kick you out.

[Note: This is intended to be humorous.]

[Additional Note: This was original posted on myspace.]

Immigration Advocates Rally Across Canada

Crowds of immigrants and their supporters marched today in many Canadian cities, casting off the old fears of illegal status to assert that they have a right to free healthcare in Canada. Twelve million American liberals, tired of attempting to pass legislature for universal healthcare in the United States, have moved to Canada without documentation, in order to receive what they believe they have a right to, what all humans have a right to.

All over Canada, undocumented American immigrants finally came out of the shadows, waving upside-down Canadian flags while demanding dignity. The marches took place in big cities like Toronto and Montreal, and smaller communities as well. Some of the marchers invoked tactics of the civil rights era, and others simply came because they shared a deep hatred for George W. Bush.

In Ottawa, Ontario, rally organizers estimated the crowd to be about 100,000. Local police placed the crowd around 20,000. Still, it was the largest rally the sleepy Canadian metropolis had ever seen.

One man, Howard Reid, 54, was at the rally with his wife and his child. He explained the importance of bringing his child to this event, “My kid is marching for what’s rightfully his. He was a poor orphan until one day he broke into my house and demanded that I raise him. We’re here to make his dream come true for children all around the world.”

The rallies, part of what some organizers were calling the National Day for Immigrant Entitlement, drew the unemployed, ex-felons, old hippies, lazy bums, and babies in strollers. The marches were peaceful, and many of them had a picnic-like atmosphere, with obnoxious American pop music providing a backdrop to the assertive talk of new rights for a group that has until recently lived ostracized, trapped in dark enclaves such as MoveOn.Org.

Fears of xenophobia rose as one or two Canadians staged counter-protests, politely asking the Americans not to be so loud. Dianne Clinton, 33, an American mother of fifteen children who lack healthcare, was asked about her reaction to Canadian claims that the Americans were not going to assimilate.

“I’ve always wanted to assimilate into Canadian culture,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to leave my door unlocked, and I hate George W. Bush. I’ve wanted to be a Canadian since a famous movie star said he’d move to Canada if Bush won in 2000.”

Although they were far from the birthplace of the civil rights movement, several signs evoked imagery of the movement led by Dr. Martin Luther King. One such sign read, “We have a healthcare dream too.” Other signs called for equality: “Illegals are still citizens!”

“We are in a situation that Rosa Parks was in several years ago: enough is enough,” said Lionel Newman, 32, who came here from Detroit and now spends his time in a park in Edmonton. “Martin Luther King once had a dream that all people would have free healthcare, no matter what nation they happened to come from. We have that dream too.”

The marches come at a time when Parliament – and indeed, the nation – is torn over what to do with this burgeoning population of undocumented American immigrants.

A recent poll released by CBC News indicated that 70 percent of Canadians agree with the statement: “They’re just here to mooch off our healthcare, and they should get oot of here.”

In Calgary, the demonstrators protested a recent Canadian bill that would give all Americans healthcare provided they learned to adopt a Canadian accent. They were joined by the mayor, Dave Brokennier.

“I want to express support for the Calgary American community,” he said. “All people, no matter where they come from, deserve free Canadian healthcare without any restrictions. I oppose this mean-spirited legislation.”

This piece of satire was inspired by (and directly lifted some language from) the April 10, 2006 article,
Immigration Advocates Rally Across U.S., by Maria Newman of the New York Times.

4 Killed In Jewish Riots

Jewish protests over cartoons in the Muslim world turned deadly today, as American troops were forced to fire upon the protesters, killing four. The Bush administration refused to comment on the incident, prompting further protest.

The protests occured after an Iranian newspaper held a Holocaust cartoon contest in response to the publishing of 12 comics in a Danish newspaper. They hoped to offend the sensibilities of the West, and they got precisely the response they wanted.

Instantly, Jews across America rioted. They firebombed the Iranian embassy, as well as some other countries’ embassies, including the Australian embassy, which they mistook for Kazakhstan’s embassy. Then, they realized that Kazakhstan didn’t publish any cartoons, but they justified their actions by pointing out that the Kazakhstan government didn’t apologize for the comics published in Iran.

European countries instantly condemned the publishing of the cartoon strips. “We were so wrong to publish the cartoons satirizing the Prophet Muhammed. Now, we realize the error of freedom of speech. From now on, freedom of speech will be banned. Also, all women will wear burkhas and not be allowed to learn how to read,” said Jacques Chirac, president of France.

After watching all of this on CNN, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sounded triumphant, “Now we see the hypocrisy of the West. I’m gonna go finish my atomic bomb now and wipe Israel off the map.”

[Note: This is satire.]

[EDIT: Fixed spelling error.]

Jihad Declared on Morgan Freeman

Not only does the Koran forbid making graven images of Muhammed, but it prohibits making graven images of the one true God, aka Allah.

In Bruce Almighty, Morgan Freeman portrayed God. This is horrible blasphemy. I think because the Holocaust didn’t happen, we can make a good case that slavery didn’t happen either. I don’t know what this has to do with anything, but it just means it’s especially blasphemous to have Morgan Freeman be God. Thus, I have declared a jihad on Morgan Freeman.

At the same time, I have declared a jihad on all the members of Monty Python because they made an image of God in their movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail. What horrid blasphemy. I think I shall go firebomb an embassy in retaliation. I don’t understand how they can be so interolerant of my beliefs. I must threaten people with violence in order to show them how intolerant they are.

Also, I think Jesus should be jailed for hate speech because of what he said about the Pharisees. He goes into a temple, a holy place, and then upends the tables. What blasphemy. Too bad that happened two thousand years ago so we can’t actually put him in jail. Still, I think our government should issue an apology for something it’s not responsible for. Obviously, no one should critique religion for any reason. It’s so intolerant to make any comment about religion.

As a Christian, I must say that Jesus would agree with me. Jesus taught us to love our enemies. That means not saying anything bad about them, preaching political correctness, and allowing them to develop nuclear weapons.

Man, all this hate by West has me so worked up. I think I’ll make up some more cartoons and then use them to incite hatred against the West. Only it’s not really hatred because it’s directed against the West. That type of hatred is okay. Anything else is intolerant.

So anyway: Death to the infidels! Death to Morgan Freeman!

In case you can’t tell, this is satire.

If you want my real opinion, I think the Bush administration’s statement should have read: “Free speech, bitches.” Either that, or, “It’s a fucking cartoon. Get over it.”

Unfortunately, there is no silver bullet for this problem. Yes, we need democracy in the Middle East, but everyone needs to realize that it won’t automatically solve everything. It will take time. There will be some injustices, but you can’t solve all of the world’s injustices at once. Slavery existed in the United States, yet we were a democracy. It took us hundreds of years to get where we are and we’re still not perfect — most of America is still homophobic. So, look at the sorry state of the Middle East today. It will take longer for them to arrive at the point we’re at now. Still, nothing can get done unless we take the first steps. Nothing will get done unless we stand up against bullies like the President of Iran, unless the world stands in unity against dictatorship, and we promote freedom throughout the land.

If you’re unwilling to take that first step, then you’ve already lost. You’ve already declared defeat. You’ve declared that certain people are too barbaric to handle their own freedom. You might as well declare a jihad on Morgan Freeman and dance in the streets after a successful terrorist attack.

And anyone can go ahead and call me intolerant if they want. Because I am. I am intolerant against the forces of evil.

02/10/06 – EDIT: Strikethrough that last section. Written in haste. The information is not presented well and in an unpersuasive combative tone. Still, you should’ve seen some of the stuff I wrote and deleted before writing that. It was even worse. I’m getting better at editing myself, but I still have a way to go before I’m ready for primetime.

Verbing: What Your Company Needs!

“I’ll search for that term with a search engine.”

What’s wrong with the above statement? Technically, nothing. The problem is that no one talks that way. Try this one:

“I’ll search for it on Google.”

Hm… there’s still something wrong. No one says that, either. Last try:

“I’ll google it.”

Jackpot!

These days, the measure of success is if your product/company is a verb. Verbing a company name makes it ubiquitous.

“I’ll record this show on my digital video recorder.”

Wrong!

“I’ll TiVo this show.”

Ding!

Think about it. If this word did not have the ability to be verbed, the makers of TiVo simply would not be as famous. “I’ll record it on TiVo.” You might as well say, “I’ll record it on my VCR.” The word enters the language, but it doesn’t enter your consciousness.

When your company’s name is verbed, it means your company is one of action. It’s not something people use; it’s something people do! And that, my friend, makes all the difference. People like to think they’re doing something.

However, aren’t there other ways to make your company name ubiquitous? Well, no, not really. There’s the McPrefix route. McJob, McDiet…. Yet, we don’t have WalJob. If you can think of a prefix, by all means, go for it, but we don’t live in a prefix world anymore. We live in a world of acronyms and verbs. (Although acronyms may be becoming passe with the onslaught of GSAVE.) I can’t think of any other company with the ubiquitous prefix. It’ll be very, very hard to break McDonald’s stranglehold on the prefix.

That’s why I suggest the verb. Verbing words is what all the hip kids are doing now. Of course, verbing existed before, but the internet age made it cool. Verbing really works with electronic/digital products.

Another route is the ubiquitous noun. Kleenex is trademarked. Band-aid is trademarked. Yet you hear these words more often than tissue and bandage.

However, we now live in a service industry — in the digital age. You’re not making products that will replace what we normally use. It’s just not going to happen anymore. If you’re making a new company, you are most definitely making something people do, not use. That’s why you need to verb.

Don’t believe me? Does anyone remember the Segway? Do you know why the Segway failed? It’s because they didn’t attempt to market their product as a verb! It was the next big thing. It wasn’t something you do. It was just another disappointing toy.

Segway was perfectly verbable, but there was a tiny little culprit in the way: The. The Segway, it became. If they the your product, you are dead. It’s their own fault, though. It was the Segway Human Transporter. They tried to make it cool with the HT, but it didn’t work. Verbing is what’s in. Unfortunately, the visionaries weren’t visionaries in linguistics.

So, all you budding entrepreneurs: Remember, make sure your company name is verbable, and can’t be thed, if you want to really succeed in the 21st century.