Last night, I saw the edge of the world. Or rather, it was more like this morning while I was still in dreamland. There was a fence separating myself and others from the emptiness. It wasn’t a chain-link fence or picket fence… it was more like the barricades you see on the highway, but they were stacked on top of each other. There was plenty of room to see through, or to fall through. The fence was taller than I was, but I could easily climb it. I was tempted to climb and then peer down into the abyss, but I was way too afraid of falling in. Past the edge of the world was pure nothingness in all directions. There was no sky above, just blackness. No ground below, just blackness. Nothingness as far as the eye could see.

I woke up troubled. I couldn’t figure out what it all meant. I was distressed, re-imagining that nothingness. In fact, even as I climbed aboard BART, I had trouble concentrating on my book.

When you commute via BART five times a week, you begin to remember faces. Today, a man sat by me. I’d seen him before. Maybe he’d even sat by me before. I decided to continue my reading. Typical BART etiquette I’ve noticed means you don’t have to acknowledge anyone. Not that I’m saying you’re supposed to ignore people, but you’re not obligated to become the best buddy of anyone sitting next to you and strike up a riveting conversation.

My shyness and quietness has decreased in the past two years. I’m no longer intimidated by random strangers. Actually, I really really enjoy meeting new people. It’s what you do afterwards that gives me more trouble. I have no trouble meeting people, but I still have trouble making friends. One day, I caught someone on BART trying to glance at my book — I was working on Thomas Paine at the time. I instantly opened up and let him look at the entire book, explaining the premise of Rights of Man.

So while I had no intention of talking to the man who sat next to me today, as soon as he said, “You still haven’t finished that book,” I had no qualms with instantly starting a conversation.

”Well, it’s got a little bit of length to it,” I replied. I gave a précis of the Marshall Plan, explaining it was how America rebuilt Europe after WWII. In retrospect, I’m surprised how quickly I become comfortable when talking with complete strangers. As soon as we begin to talk, you’re no longer a stranger. I know you.

It also helps when the person has a lot of interesting things to say. I’ve neglected so far to provide a physical description of the person. Middle-aged black man, if you want the easy label to attach. While talking about the diversity of races, I mention that I myself am mixed and he’s got some mixed blood too. His hair isn’t nappy, which is due to the Native American blood in him.

We start with history, though, since I’m obviously interested in history if I’m reading about the Marshall Plan. Did you know that Crispus Attucks, a black man, was the first casualty of the American Revolution? Honestly, the way we do Black History Month is a joke. He tells me about certain inventions. I tell him that if you watch TV, the only thing black people invented are peanut butter and the stoplight. We both get a good laugh out of that.

I get a little bit of his history. He tells me he was a multi-millionaire at one point, which he inherited. He was miserable, though. Money is the root of all evil, he says, but then corrects himself: The love of money is the root of all evil, so says the Bible. He’d rather have peace, which he has now, than money and being miserable. You hear it all the time that money can’t buy happiness, but to be honest, I never really believed it. I take his message to heart, though, because quite frankly, I see the sin within myself. I could easily see myself becoming devoted to money in my quest.

I don’t believe in the idea of a Golden Path. I believe God gave us free will so that we could forge our own destinies. So this next sentiment comes as a surprise even to myself: I don’t think it was a coincidence that I met him. Writing it down like this makes the sentiment feel even sillier, but it’s how I feel. Because in the beginning of the morning I was troubled, and then after I talked to him, I felt at peace. Perhaps I’ll lose you with this next bit of speculation. You know I have aspirations to become president. It will be a long arduous path. I don’t presume to take this as fact, but I wonder… I believe I need to surround myself with people who will keep me from the path of sin and demagoguery and I wonder… if there isn’t something out there helping me out. Still, life is full of surprises, and I could go down some completely different path. I’m a young man and the possibilities are still wide open.

Minister Casey got off at a stop before me. As I was walking to class, I suddenly realized that I hadn’t given him my name. That’s okay, I think, I’ll tell him tomorrow. But tomorrow’s Saturday. So, I really hope I see him again this Monday. I want him to know my name. It’s a strange lapse for me, who was a name-collector last year in college. I feel like there’s more to learn from him.

”Keep reading” is the last thing he says to me, I think.

Later on, though, I ponder about how he probably doesn’t realize I’m a Republican. Does that mean I’m dishonest, or my views can appeal to a wide variety of people? Perhaps it’s that I choose which views to present to people. I truly do believe Iraq is a fiasco, though (and even you may be surprised at that latest admission from me… more on that later), and democracy can only come from within and will happen over a long, long time. So if I told him so, I haven’t been misrepresenting myself right? Really, though, it’s hard to disagree with people politically when you hardly know them. But I don’t want to disagree from the get-go. I want to listen. I really want to listen. But I wonder if there’s some inner greasy politician within me.

At this point, I’m rambling, but I feel it was important to get these particular thoughts out at this particular time. It’s a snapshot of a seemingly un-extraordinary day in my life that I have decided to imbue with meaning.

Item 1:

So, I was walking back from class the other day when I see this hullaballoo on the street. There’s a camera. There’s some trucks. There’s what looks like a nice sports car, but I’m not sure if that was just some random dude. Anyway, I’m on the street corner and there’s this guy talking to some people, giving them instructions on where to walk. He looks busy, but I decide to ask, “Can I ask what you’re shooting?” He says, “A movie.” In my head, I’m like, “No shit,” but I decide not to press the issue since he doesn’t look very happy. Luckily, he continues and says, “An Italian movie.” Then, I cross the street and go home.

I wonder what Italian movie they’re filming at Berkeley. Supposedly they did some filming for some movie at JHU last year but I don’t remember seeing any camera crews at all. I wonder if Cal will get an influx of Italian students applying.

Item 2:

Something compelled me to visit useit.com the other day. I do that every once in a while. Supposedly, e-mail newsletters are a good way to develop customer loyalty. I got a few e-mails from people asking for some kind of Chalkboard Manifesto e-mail update list. I told them no, but now I’m reconsidering.

Item 3:

The fog rolled in today. The window was open and I could feel the water in the air when I woke up this morning. Finally! I’m so glad the heat is over.

“Good luck.”

“It’s okay, I don’t need it. You keep it for yourself.”

I find myself saying that a lot, but now I’m wondering where the hell I got it from. I mean, I couldn’t possibly have thought of it myself.

I’ve discovered that in order to write my discourse, I need this question answered: Why did the Marshall Plan work? (Did it work?) So, I’ve checked out two very large books on the subject from the public library. At this point, I probably will not finish my discourse by the end of summer, as I had previously planned, but I should be a good way through it. The reason it’s taking so long is that it’s turning out radically different from how I originally imagined it. The discourse will be junk if I have no historical evidence to back me up. I need this Marshall Plan question answered. It’s extremely important to forming my ideology on foreign policy.

Today, I thought I’d share what I’ve been working on lately. I recently finished creating the site for JHU’s Milton S. Eisenhower Symposium. The site is valid XHTML Strict. And yes, the CSS is valid too. I love standards compliance. As for the symposium itself, we’ve got some big names lined up; I think it’s going to be a great.

Next on my plate is creating a web site for the JHU College Republicans. I got some big plans for that, including adding a blog.

If you know me at all, you should already know about The Chalkboard Manifesto. I’m still in love with that redesign. The thumbnails fit well with the one-panel comic. What I like most is that it’s bold and experimental. It doesn’t look that complicated, but you wouldn’t believe the amount of PHP I had to wade through.

By “stuck” I mean “stuck in my head” and by “Go” I mean that song by Kelly Clarkson that they’re playing in the Ford commercials. For some reason, I absolutely love the song. This is totally bad for my street cred, so I’m trying to compensate by continuing to read Tom Paine.

I haven’t been updating with substantial entries because I’ve been working diligently on a Chalkboard Manifesto redesign. It’s involved a lot of PHP and database work. Hopefully, I’ll be done by the end of the coming week. Then, it’ll be back to socio-political commentary. For now, blogging will be light.

So, I went to my old high school’s graduation this year because I know a few kiddies who are graduating this year. Congrats to the Daryl, Delora, Anwell, Biff, and a whole bunch of other band kids.

It was way different being in the audience than being the one graduating. As a participant, it’s a once in a lifetime kind of thing. In the audience, it’s something that happens every year.

With a year’s distance, it’s almost depressing in a way. I didn’t have that great a first year in college. Wasn’t I supposed to be done with school? Instead, I went through another year of hell. *sigh*

And so, I finish my freshman year of college. I have been worn down, torn apart. This has been a difficult year for me on multiple levels. When I emerge from the plane ride home, I will be in a new world, in a new season… and I will begin a new era. I will be renewed and ready to face the world once again. My spirit will be rejuvenated.

I just woke up… I’m sure waking at 3:00 is nothing for some people, but to me, and most of America, it’s pretty ridiculous.

Note: I am currently on the East Coast, but my weblog is still set for Pacific Time. Although, currently, most of my time is spent in Maryland, my home is still California. I base this both on personal sentiments and the fact that I am registered to vote in California.

I’m on Spring Break. I’m home. Don’t expect too many updates.

What is my purpose? I read to read. I write to write. I take classes for what purpose? I must return to my New Year’s resolution.

I have realized that I have lost the way in writing essays. I simply write just to put things on paper, in the idea that “You can’t edit what you don’t have written down.” Very true, but I’ve been struggling as of late, with my essays. I realize it’s because I need purpose. I must not write to write. I must not write to go through motions. Each step must be for the purpose of making a completed essay. Not just to get stuff down on paper.

I have realized that I have lost the way in my classes. I am just taking classes and for what purpose? I experiment with different classes and to what end? I am rudderless without knowing my major. However, I should not use that excuse in order to not have a purpose. My purpose should be determining my major. It is the same if you are approaching a battle and you are unsure of what course of action to take. Reconnaissance is not done just for the sake of reconnaissance. Reconnaissance is done with the intent of winning the battle.

I have realized that I have lost the way in reading for my classes. I read just to get the reading done. I think of nothing else. There must be a higher purpose in mind. To read for pleasure is certainly a goal that can be had, but it is not this way for classes.

I have realized that I have lost the way with my comic. I go through the motions simply trying to catch up with updating. I must have a higher goal in mind. I must actively work on these steps, not merely think about them.

Truly, I have lost my way. I merely go through the day, trying to survive. I merely go through my day, often losing my way. I lose hours upon hours of time, and for what purpose? Just to put off my work. There must be a better way.

I noticed that when I was doing research for a particular project, I merely looked at news articles. I didn’t aggregate or anything until later. Once I was finished with the articles, I stopped working. I have since realized that I did this without the express purpose of completing my work. I did this without any end in mind. In fact, I planned on not finishing. That’s a big problem. Every move should be a killing move.

If I wish to truly follow my New Year’s resolution, I must apply it to every facet of life. Two months and 13 days have gone by, and what have I done? All I have done is lost my way, constantly.

This entry was written with the express purpose of returning myself to that day, January 1, 2006. This entry was written with the express purpose of refocusing my energies. This entry was written with the express purpose of returning to my way:

Every move is a killing move.

There’s a barrier there that wasn’t there before. In the old days, if I met you as a friend of a friend, you became my friend. Now, friends of friends are just that — friends of friends. There is no guarantee that they can make that hop over to being my friend. In fact, it’s more likely that they’ll not make that transition and remain distant. Such is life in the second semester of college.

I didn’t update yesterday because somehow my ISP got blocked by my webhost. As in, I couldn’t access my own websites. Ah well, problem fixed.

I wrote this on a post-it note while in Atlanta:

“I carry around a granola bar in my pocket, so if a homeless guy wants money, I can give him that instead. Unfortunately, I started a trend, and now an ounce of cocaine is worth 20 granola bars. I plan to flood the market with currency and destabilize the drug trade.”

I realize that I haven’t been observing the world as closely as I was during summer. That vacation was just me observing the world. I would like to go on more fact-finding missions. I think I need to go to random places, just stare at the people, and then write about them.

“they mill about aimlessly
i am not watching the fish
i am watching the people”

Honestly, I’ve found it increasingly harder to write Chalkboard Manifesto comics. I just don’t have the same poignant observations about the world that compel me to write them down. Mainly, it’s a point of me just not really looking for them. Before, I was always on the look out for something that could turn into a comic. Nay, I also spent much more time interacting with people. I am at my best comedically when I can twist someone’s words or use their words as a springboard for a humorous thought. Today, my interactions are limited to less than a minute. I pass by them in the hall, in the bathroom, outside Terrace, and soon I must be on my way, and they, their way.

“wicked fob of the west red shoes”

Vacations seem unfeasible, though. I think I need to take Post-It notes around with me always and be unafraid to write everything down. Most of it will be junk. However, at least within the junk I can find a few gems, rather than trying to conjure something from nothing.

No. No discourse. Just a happy birthday wish from me to me. I’m surprised at the number of facebook comments that I got. Totally clogged up my e-mail.

My birthday kinda snuck up on me this year; I wasn’t prepared for it.

Since it’s my birthday, I’ll take a break from the heavier things in life and just enjoy it for a second. No political worries. No philosophical worries.

Today, I went to a 9-ball billiards tournament. That was definitely the most time I’ve spent playing pool; although I used to spend a lot of time playing pool in my basement when I lived in Colorado. (If not for this, I wouldn’t retain this base level pool skill that I can rely on even after not playing for a month, which still leaves me a better pool player than the unenlightened masses.)

How did it go? Not very well. We played five games in each match. I played three matches. I went 5-0, 1-4, and 2-3, giving me 8 points total, which is rather disappointing but not very surprising. However, there was one match in which I made very difficult shot on the nine-ball into the side pocket, but managed to scratch at the same time. If I had not scratched, that would’ve gave me a wild card spot in the double-elimination tournament (round-robin first round), or so I tell myself. In reality, I played how I played and I don’t delude myself into thinking one shot would’ve made a huge difference because I didn’t know the English to use to not scratch on that shot in the first place. Anyway, this probably makes no sense to you who don’t play pool.

Suffice it to say, even if I had made it to the second round of things, I would’ve been eliminated very quickly. That being said, this is only my first year, and I didn’t come in with any high expectations because I’m only a freshman, and I haven’t practiced much. It gives me time to improve, though. So, now, I say this… If I am still at JHU in 4 years, I will win that tournament.

I don’t want to. but it seems as if childhood isn’t really going to be around any longer. guess I have to. it’s just hard to push myself forward. to force myself to decide. i’ll figure it out.

Last year I only had one new year’s resolution: Seize the day. This year, I was once again planning on having one. However, I soon had two resolutions I couldn’t decide between and then I realized, “Hey, it’s okay to have two.” So, I have two New Year’s resolutions this year. Here we go!

Number 1: Smile. It’s a very simple resolution, and one I think I can keep. It’s very important to smile. It makes you more approachable, it makes you look more confident, more friendly, more positive, more everything. The act of smiling can even make you happier.

Number 2 is a bit more esoteric, I guess you could say, although I feel like I’m using the word incorrectly. Let me elaborate: It’s more out there, harder to understand — not the type of resolution the general populace tends to make. My resolution: Every move is a killing move.

To understand my resolution, you must compare it to sword-fighting. It’s an analogy. Let me present to you an excerpt from The Book of Five Rings: “First of all, when you take up the sword, in any case the idea is to kill an opponent. Even though you may catch, hit, or block an opponent’s slashing sword, or tie it up or obstruct it, all of these moves are opportunities for cutting the opponent down. This must be understood. If you think of catching, think of hitting, think of blocking, think of tying up, or think of obstructing, you will thereby become unable to make the kill. It is crucial to think of everything as an opportunity to kill. This should be given careful consideration.”

This resolution is an evolution of my old seize the day resolution. This one is more focused, more on target. This resolution does not allow the seizing of whims. It’s goal-oriented rather than day-oriented. Every move is an opportunity to make the kill, so to speak. Thus, it forces me to commit to making the kill in the first place. It forces me to choose a goal. That’s why I can’t seize whims.

One last thing. This is not a New Year’s resolution. This is just some general commentary for today. From The Book of Five Rings: “When fighting enemies, if you get to feel snarled up and are making no progress, you toss your mood away and think in your heart that you are starting everything anew. As you get the rhythm, you discern how to win. This is ‘becoming new.’ Anytime you feel tension and friction building up between yourselves and others, if you change your mind that very moment, you can prevail by the advantage of radical difference. This is ‘becoming new.’

So, I’ll forget all my old troubles of 2005. I’ll focus on my new resolutions. I’ll have faith that I can accomplish all that I want to accomplish. I have not messed everything up beyond hope. I can still make the kill. On this first day of 2006, I become new.

This entry is largely a self-indulgent exercise. I’m not sure how much anyone else will care, but I’m putting it up for myself to look back upon.

Personally, I’ve seen some ups and downs. Not a bunch of them, but a few long-term trends. Started off excited in 2005, went downhill for a while, then came back sometime before summer. Summer was one wacky fun time, then I went to college. Kept the high going, met a bunch of people, and then crashed sometime in October. Big downward spiral, then a levelling off. Starting to rebuild myself with the trip to Atlanta. Now, I’m back home, ready to kick 2006 in the ass.

I used to update Psycho-ward.org all the time, but updates were sparse during 2005. I pretty much killed the website in April. I’ve only had BOTBC updates, I think. The website is going to stay dead in 2006, but I’m working on something new.

I read all the entries in my weblog from this past year. Some interesting stuff. After review, I think there’s too much vitriol in this world, and I will strive to continue making this weblog less vitriolic. I’ve noticed a thing that happens when I debate with other people (in real life conversation): I try to reduce issues to their core. I started discussing Iraq with someone and then found out he didn’t even truly believe in democracy. I’m just going to use this weblog to further develop my own political ideology — in a non-vitriolic fashion, of course. Hopefully, I’ll figure non-political stuff about myself too. I’ve strayed from satire. I like satire; it has its uses, but they’re limited. I’d rather explain and convince than condescend.

The Chalkboard Manifesto doesn’t seem to be receiving quite as many votes as it started to get over summer, but its readership is growing, and that’s more important. I’ve also noticed some pics being used on MySpace. I think that’s cool. I also like the friends I’ve been receiving on MySpace who are fans of my comic.

In the social dimension, I’ve grown. I like to think I’m more amiable and more outgoing than I used to be. Still working on that one, though.

Am I better off now than I was at the beginning of 2005? Yes. I’m done with high school. I’ve made giant steps in my development of an all-encompassing personal philosophy. I’ve read a lot of books. I’m more knowledgeable. I think I’m a better person.

Here’s a question I don’t really want to ask myself: Am I closer to the presidency than I was at the beginning of the year?

I think because of my social growth, I’ve made a baby step towards my goal. I also read a few presidential biographies, but the game is changing and I wonder how much use those will be. Also, I guess you could say that starting to develop an all-encompassing personal philosophy (including politics) is a step in the right direction. I’m tempted to say that my overall progress has been negligible. However, there are a few things that I would say mean I’m in a much better place than in the beginning of the year. I’ve reaffirmed my resolve for this goal. That’s something. The big thing, though, is that I’ve discovered within myself a deep faith in democracy. It seems to be something many smart people lack. This realization in itself is enough to say that I’ve made a lot of progress.

How about my New Year’s resolution? I only had one for this year: Seize the day. Didn’t quite work out. I abandoned the goal sometime in April. I just wasn’t satisfied with seizing whims, it seemed like. During summer, I semi-returned to this goal following an “Everyday is an adventure” mentality, making sure to make the most out of each day. When I got to JHU, I made an effort to meet as many people as I could each day. Then, (this was part of the downward trend) it started raining and I holed up in my room. Perhaps I seized the day once more in Atlanta, but it still felt like I was seizing whims. Now, however, I’ve found a way to refine my goal for next year. That’s something I reveal tomorrow: my New Year’s resolutions for 2006.

Good-bye 2005. You treated me well, for the most part. I learned a lot.

Thanks to anyone who read this weblog at any point during 2005. Hope I provoked some thought.

See you next year.

Got to talk with people I knew at BWI, then on the airplane, and then I saw Emerald at the airport via random coincidence. Break started off on a good note. I have a good feeling about this break.

I miss my car.

Today’s my last day at home. Tomorrow, I’m going to Baltimore, Maryland. Soon thereafter, I will be attending Johns Hopkins University.

I pretty much only have two things to say:

1) I will miss everyone.

2) I’m ready.

Alright, and here’s the obligatory list of people I’ll especially miss, in no particular order (and since I’m lazy, I’ll include people who have already left): my sister, my parents, Ryan, Richard, Chris, JTL, my dog, Delora, Daryl, Anwell, Patrick, my car (oh my baby, I’ll miss you so much), Andy, Tony, Emerald, Stephanie, Sonja, Clement, Aaron, Wenschel, Josh, Mary (even though I haven’t seen you in person for hella long), Sarah, and, how could I forget: satellite television. Of course, I’m an idiot, so there’ll be people that I’ve forgotten to list. Which doesn’t mean you’re not special, it just means I’m a tired idiot. And even if I didn’t list you, I will still miss you.

It’s good to have goals in life. Otherwise, you don’t know where you’re going. I’ve already decided that I want to aggressively promote my new webcomic, The Chalkboard Manifesto. This weblog is a little bit different.

With my comic, I’ve found my groove, and I’m confident I have a good comic. I’m not so sure about this weblog. I’ve been updating a long time (longer than the comic), but I haven’t found my groove yet. Then again, it took me five years of webcomicking to finally design a comic that I’m really proud of.

So, no grand designs for this weblog quite yet. I want to work on finding something that works for me.

But what is that something? How can I search for that something if I don’t have any plans whatsoever.

I’ll try to focus on some questions: Do I want to be outrageous? Do I want to focus on politics? Do I want to focus on social issues? Do I want to focus on my life? Do I want to focus on bigger issues?

The answer to question #4 is no. I’ve figured that much out already. This isn’t biographical. It’s only about myself in the sense that I’m developing my ideas through this weblog. I want to develop a public persona.

I want to try to continue to blend talking about politics, social issues, and bigger issues. I’m not sure what I’ll do about other topics, though, like television. Should I just cut them out? Isn’t that part of the social fabric?

The biggest question I want to try to answer in the next month: Do I want to be outrageous? Being outrageous garners a lot of attention. But in the political world, there seems to be a glut of political extremism. I don’t think I want to be outrageous, but I don’t want to be a devout follower of the God of Reason as so many pundits are. They have this false God which makes them smug, which tricks them into thinking they know everything, which makes them non-human.

Most of all, I want people to know that there’s a human behind this. Can I achieve that? There seems to be no way to fight through these endless contradictions.

… unless I become a contradiction myself. Can I be a humble Agnoiologist? In a world where everyone can publish their not so humble opinions, can I refuse to make certain judgments?

I want to take a road less travelled. I want to combat the mythmakers, but I don’t want to be just another David fighting against this “MSM” monster. Because these “bloggers” are mythocrats too. How do I not become a part of that?

In a world where reason has become myth, how can the truth prevail? Am I over-complicating this? If so, then how else can I figure out what I want to do?

All I know for sure is: The answer is that there is no question.

The thing about being 18 is that you can see how far you’ve come, but you can also see how far you still have to go.

Seeing my friends begin to leave for college is almost as painful as watching Adam Carolla try to be funny. No, but seriously, it’s the end of a chapter in our lives. When school ended, I was so happy, I never considered this. It was like the year 2000 in the 90’s… it’s always there, but it’s so far away. It’s only now when people start leaving that it hits me. Not only that, but shit… we’re already halfway through this decade. Joking about Y2K is joking about something that happened five years ago.

I know there’s always winter break, etcetera, but I get the feeling that when we come back, we’ll be completely different people. These idyllic days are over. For some reason, I feel like I’m never seeing these people again. Or worse, they’ll only merit a fake, “Nice to see you again.”

When I moved back to California from Colorado, I learned a valuable lesson: You can never go back. I don’t know if any of my friends have learned that lesson yet, or if I’m over-reacting to that lesson.

*    *    *    *

Last Saturday — Sunday really, it was 2:00 — the full weight of it began to be realized. That time I spent on the couch, watching 3 hours of television, was a ritual that was coming to an end. The shows will still be on, the same people will exist, the couch will still be there, night and day go on, but that little slice of time, turning off the TV after an all-out session, is gone forever. Waking up with a foggy mind and squinting eyes, stepping over the dog… that’s gone forever too.

Memories are meant to be fleeting. The good times I had with my friends, of course I’ll remember those. But those are in the past now, and they’ll remain in the past in the future. The little rituals are the things that will kill me.

Brushing my teeth in front of that piece of crap mirror… Seeing a light go out when I drive home after a day of fun that went well into the night… Having the opening of a door accompanied by the happy patter of my dog’s feet on the hardwood floor… Skipping that one step that creaks… Complaining every time my mom drives my car instead of hers… Wandering between the boredom-fighting trifecta of the computer, pool table, and piano… Sitting here, in this chair, typing in my weblog… These little rituals are what I will miss the most.

*    *    *    *

So, maybe it’s not the fact that you or I will change. Maybe it’s not the fact that we won’t see each other for a long time. It’s our little rituals that will change. The things we don’t even notice that we’ll miss the most.

Playing in the band, getting the heat from Newton, after he told us what he had for lunch… Receiving a phone call, not knowing if the person on the other end has something big and crazy planned, or wants you to think up something to do… Random missions to find things like Nintendo adaptors… Whining about an assignment on AIM in the wee hours of the night instead of actually doing it…

Maybe you’ll still do some of these things, but never in quite the same way. It’s not that it will all disappear. It’s that you can recover slices of it, but it will all never fit together the same way it did before. That’s what I meant about never going back.

Maybe I’ll be in the same position. Opening the door after a late night with my high school friends, I’m greeted by my dog. I plop down on the couch and watch an hour of Adult Swim, reruns from last summer. After it’s over, I go up the stairs, making sure to skip the step that creaks, to brush my teeth in front of that piece of crap mirror. There might even be the same colored cup I always used. But something’s not quite right. It doesn’t feel the same. My room is a stranger’s room. The sheets are nicely tucked in… perhaps a habit I pick up in college. Everything’s a little bit dustier.

Do you understand how I feel now? I’m nostalgic for now. Only now is quickly becoming the past. Look, it’s already 2005. And just yesterday, I was wondering if the year 2000 would ever come. The cruel numbers keep moving ahead as the world changes around you. Maybe the 00’s are a sequel of the 90’s, like I often joke, but the sequel’s never the same as the original. Just as I can never go back to 1999, back to the old millenium, I will never be able to return to this chapter in my life.

I take 7th street because you put up fucking cameras up all over Decoto. So now, you lowered the speed limit on 7th street. Not only did you lower the speed limit, the beginning of the road is now 25 mph. For less than 100 ft, I swear, it’s 25 mph. You know that’s just there so you can set up speed traps. Well, fuck your speed traps and your cameras. I’ll take fucking Whipple. Why doesn’t Caltrans take a break from that and spend some time finishing Mission?

Seems like every time I’m driving home late night, I see at least one street light go out.

My goodness! Last time I went on vacation to Las Vegas, I had a gigantic comment spam problem. I couldn’t do anything about it except turn off commenting. I had to wait until I got back to install the new version of Movable Type.

Well, this time, it works the first day I’m on vacation, and then my weblog goes kaboom. For some reason, it’s saying nothing is configured for this website. I play around, find out the files are all still there. The weblog is still there when I access it as a subdomain, but everything after June 6 is deleted. Interesting, that was the time I made my server change. But why did it wait until now to stop working?

I wanted to delete the domain and then do the add-on thing again, but I decided to postpone it until after vacation because I was afraid I’d lose all my e-mails.

When I get back, I do that. For some reason, all the files and e-mails are all intact, as if nothing had ever happened. Of course, my problem still exists, as if I had done nothing.

So, I’m disgusted. I wake up the next morning, and somehow, everything is magically fixed. And by everything, I mean the agnoiology.com address is working and all the entries after June 6 are still missing.

Luckily, I’m an intelligent bastard. When I first found out my website wasn’t working, I went to Google and found the June archives and old index cached. I copied all my entries.

I start copying them in, and I’m about 5-6 entries in, when I get an Internal 500 whatever error. If any of you are using Movable Type, you may notice a little news update on that. It has something to do with an error or something in cPanel, which my webhost has provided for me.

I was going to send an e-mail to my webhost, but I figured it’d be too much work, and I really wanted to play Black and White, which I’d just recently rediscovered.

After I made it to the fourth island, which is really the first one again, I decided to try this weblog thing again. (That’s a lie. First, I finished Book 7 of The Brothers Karamazov.) Maybe it would magically fix itself.

Lo and behold, all the entries that were lost, I’ve now inputed. And now, this entry explaining all that has occured. I did lose one comment, however.

Yet, the little news headline said the 500 error problem was intermittent. Maybe it’ll attack again. I’ll send an e-mail to my webhost tomorrow.

For now, I’m back on the weblogging track, perhaps.

I plan to save the world at least twice before I die.