I watched an all-new episode of Law & Order on NBC tonight. I rather enjoyed it. However, I loved Sam Waterston in his old role; this new guy isn’t half as good. So damn you, Fred Thompson for changing the cast of Law & Order. You ruined it for a half-hearted run at the presidency? What’s up with that?

I think you can trust my judgment on enjoying this particular episode of Law & Order, but there’s a reason you might not find it too trustworthy. I had previously watched part of that new shitty-ass game show Moment of Truth. What a piece of trash! It’s so freaking fake! Anything is good compared to that show.

Part of the blame must lie on Regis Philbin. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire changed the aesthetics of game shows. Compare Drew Carey’s two game shows. The Price is Right is all bright and glitzy. It has a pre-Millionaire look. The Power of 10 is all dark. I blame you, Regis, for the way Moment of Truth looks, which I find really, really annoying.

Can I really blame Regis Philbin for this? After all, he didn’t design the game. I think the game wouldn’t have been half as popular without Regis, and thus wouldn’t have been as powerful an influence. It’s the same reason I blame the genius Robert E. Lee for the Civil War. (Just kidding.)

Millionaire is even partially responsible for ruining American Gladiators; you can definitely see how Millionaire affected the aesthetics of American Gladiators. The worst part of the new American Gladiators, though, is the player profiles. I don’t give a shit about how much you want to win this, or your stupid sob story. This may make me sound un-American, but I’ll take Ninja Warrior over the new American Gladiators any day of the week. Ninja Warrior is grueling; it is a true test of amazing physical ability. The old American Gladiators is great though. You can sometimes catch it on ESPN Classic.

In conclusion, Fred Thompson ruined Law & Order, and Regis Philbin ruined American Gladiators. Sorry Fred, sorry Reg, love ya both, but it’s true.