My predictions for 2008

• America elects its first black president in 2008. Colin Powell.
• Hillary appears to have the nomination all locked up until it is revealed that she is having an affair with Newt Gingrich.
• Someone shoots Cheney in the face. Bush appoints McCain as VP, then steps down, retiring to Crawford. McCain dies after winning the election and his VP-elect dies in a freak accident. In a split decision, Justice Scalia becomes president.
• Obama crashes and burns during the primaries. He never wins a future primary, but has a successful career as a game-show host after almost winning American Idol.
• Democrats make history, but the president isn’t black or a woman. He’s Hispanic. (Okay, that one’s not quite so wild.)
• Kerry flip-flops and decides that he really does want to run for president.
• Unity08 puts forth a Bill Richardson-Ghost of Teddy Roosevelt ticket. The vote is split, and Woodrow Wilson is elected president.
• After the surge fails, the Republican Party is in shambles. Jeb Bush defects and becomes Hillary’s VP, thus ensuring that America isn’t a democracy.
• Rick Santorum runs on an anti-macaca ticket.
• Al Gore announces that he is officially not running for president. He intends to focus on making An Inconvenient Truth II. Purists complain about rumors of a blond Al Gore in the sequel.
• The Constitution is amended and Schwarzenegger wins in a landslide. The amendment also contains the text, “Yes, there is a right to habeas corpus, Alberto Gonzales.”
• The Plame trial is still boring.