For some reason, I’d like to take this opportunity to evaluate my New Year’s plan to make every move a killing move. First, what prompted me to do this evalution.

I recently revisited an old post-it note, “What do you want? Take it.” I needed motivation. But then, I thought, “What do I want?” I had no idea what I wanted.

Therein lied the dilemma with my New Year’s resolution. How can I make every move a killing move if I don’t even know what I’m trying to kill? I was trying to make every move have a purpose, but I had no goal. That’s why it hasn’t proven effective. I like the idea of the method, but it’s too focused.

I think of pool and how the purpose is to try to win. However, you can’t just will yourself to win. You have to practice and practice in order to make shots. You have to know how to play. You have to know what you’re playing.

I have no idea what I’m playing or what I’m doing.

Sure, I can tell myself, “Take it.” But what the fuck am I taking? What the fuck do I want to take?

Sorry about the profanity, but this is really frustrating. I’m currently paralyzed with indecision.

I think I’m going to reformulate the resolution to “What do you want? Take it.” At least it acknowledges that there’s a question of what I want.

Even then, I want to be president, let’s say. But I’m not going to make everything in my life push towards that goal. That’d be a very unsatisfying life. I have other pursuits. Hm. I guess that kills the “Every move is a killing move” idea.

I’ll tell you what I don’t want, though. Whatever it is I’m doing now… this college thing… I’m sick and tired. I mean, even if I take a new frame of mind to the issue and look at college as a place with lots of opportunities, I still see my classes as essentially useless. Well, not useless… just… extraneous. Yes, that’s the right word, I guess. I don’t want to be that negative, but that’s how I feel. There are a billion other things I’d rather do. Now, if I could only figure out what those billion things are.

What do I want?