After hearing that intelligence agencies were not able to deal with 9/11 due to a failure of imagination, the Coast Guard has instituted new imagination measures that will enhance security. The Coast Guard has brought in Hollywood screenwriters to help them think up possible terrorist scenarios.

The program has been a large success. US ports are now safe from time-travelling androids, neo-Nazis out to find the Holy Grail, large albinos, and zombies. The Coast Guard is still working on ways to defend from Ocean’s 11, but those thieves are so damn crafty.

“Now we’re able to defend America’s coasts from any far-fetched hypothetical threat people can dream of, an efficient use of your tax dollars,” said a high-ranking member of the Coast Guard who wished to remain anonymous. (He exists. Really, he does. I am so not making up this source.) “Even if that threat is aliens who look just like normal human beings or a meteor directed to hit Earth by evil terrorist wizards, we are ready.”

The Hollywood screenwriters have also devised a new method of containing terrorist threats, which they call BAMF. (Hollywood screenwriters always write things that are highly original and did not steal this from Dane Cook.) In all Hollywood movies, an alpha male bad-ass motherfucker (BAMF) always saves the day from the terrorists. The Coast Guard is now working on ways to breed these BAMFs.

They have hired ninjas to kill an infant’s parents and have dropped the infant off in a monastery where he will spend all his time learning from monks the art of badassery. The monks will try to instill discipline, but they can’t control him… he’s a rebellious badass motherfucker. They’ll all be like, “Hm. This one troubles me,” but who cares because they’re stodgy old monks, and he’s a BAMF who’s gonna save the world.

The Coast Guard has also utilized a type of training called the montage. They have kidnapped an average Joe’s girlfriend, and now he must learn how to be an incredible warrior. They have taken camera shots of him slowly improving while set to music, since this is the method in which all heroes go “from just a beginner to a pro” (Source: “Team America: World Police”). Other methods have involved exposing a man to nuclear waste, cosmic rays, and dangerous insects. These methods have not yet yielded positive results, but the Coast Guard holds high hopes for the orphan method.

Despite recent budget cuts, the Coast Guard has insisted that their new imagination measures will ensure the protection of US ports at a fraction of the cost. America believes them. A new poll released states that 90% of Americans “feel US ports are adequately protected” after the Coast Guard recently announced the hiring of well-known bad-ass motherfucker Chuck Norris to defend all 361 US ports.

When asked for comment, Chuck Norris killed our correspondent with a roundhouse kick… through the telephone.

[This is satire and all of it is false, except for the fact that the Coast Guard has enlisted the help of Hollywood screenwriters to defend America from terrorists. At least, I hope that’s the only thing that’s true. I found the link to the New York Times article via: Schneier on Security.]