As much as colleges like to think of themselves as institutions of higher learning, when you get right down to it, they are businesses. It’s all about the $. It’s all about convincing those prospective students to come to your school, not another school, so they can fork over their cash.

When I saw the kids wandering around JHU with their stupid yellow bags, it made me so angry. I jokingly asked tour guides if they were part of “The Lie Committee” (not around the students). You think admissions is going to tell them that our food fucking sucks and students get food poisoning left and right? You think they’re going to tell them that our food is among the worst in the nation? Naw, they’re going to tell them that they have a plan to be in the top ten by some far off year when you will have already graduated. They’re going to provide you lunch in the Glass Pavillion so you don’t know what our dining halls are really like, so they don’t have to eat with dirty forks and spoons.

I am kicking myself now that I didn’t distribute to the prospective students my satirical news article on the grody shower curtains. Give them a sense of how life is really like.

I never visited JHU, but if I had, it wouldn’t have told me shit. What the hell does a tour telling you all about historical inanities have to do with what this school is really like? I almost died in Econ lecture the other day, barely staying awake. Then, our professor puts on a show the day he realizes there are prospective students there. That was pretty slick, I must admit.

The showers in our bathroom are out of order. All three of them. Only one of the showers downstairs has a shower curtain. The other day, they had three guys working on them, and they still are out of order. Of course, they decided to pick a day late in the week so that our showers can stay broken the whole weekend. I’m sure that any problems with the showers aren’t recent, urgent problems. I’m convinced that they postponed work on the showers until after prospective students were here. I’m convinced they could have taken care of this problem earlier so that it wouldn’t be a major inconvenience the entire weekend. I’m convinced they purposely did it this way so we couldn’t go to the housing office and complain, since the place is closed on weekends.

So, on that note, I’d like you to read this article, College editor fights for newspaper. The administration removed the school newspapers from a rack near the admissions office. You know why? Because the lead article was about crime on campus. Like I said, it’s all about the $. Better hide the bad things about your campus.

Honestly, even though I decided not to transfer, I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing at Johns Hopkins. I still don’t like it. I have a little bit of hope for next year, but not much. The only thing I’m looking forward to is my role in the College Republicans. If only I could come up with some good idea, I would gladly give up college in a heartbeat.