I’ve been avoiding writing weblog entries. I still wanted to keep up with updating, but I’ve been making entries short. I’ve just been avoiding writing in here. There are things I could’ve talked about, but I haven’t felt like sitting down and typing these things on my weblog. I’ve felt disconnected from the world. I keep up with the online sources, but I still feel isolated.

There’s been an issue that I’ve been stuck on, and I’m not sure how to address it. So, I’m just going to let it all out.

I don’t like it here. I’m not particularly happy with Johns Hopkins.

I’ve been unhappy for a while, I think. I keep doing things, but I never feel satisfied. I’ll have a full day. I’ll keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, I can’t go to sleep at night thinking, “Wow, today was really fulfilling.”

Only a few days ago did I think to put the puzzle pieces together and realize that it was the location that was killing me. It’s not a problem of homesickness. Sure, I miss California, I miss my family, but not that much. I’m not dying to go back. I don’t feel jealous of the kids who can visit home. I’m only envious that they can escape this place. I’ve felt like taking a vacation, but this is away from home. It didn’t seem to make sense at first, but now it does.

Many a time, I’ve been asked, “So, how do you like it here at Hopkins?” Mostly, the older kids asked it. I kept saying, “So far, so good.” I mean, the campus is a nice size. I guess the kids were nice. I wasn’t particular unhappy. I enjoyed the independence.

Still, a few days ago, I had a gradual epiphany. It wasn’t a satori; it was more like when you really wake up — not with a start. I asked myself, “Do you like it here at Hopkins?” and I realied that the answer was a resounding No.

I’m not sure why it took so long. I guess that makes the feeling more true. Maybe the independence wore off. Maybe the novelty wore off. Maybe the weather changed. I don’t get the sense that it’s a biased hatred. It seems to be a beginning cloud that will coalesce into an informed opinion.

I’d been joking about the girls here to my friends back at home. Frumpy is my word for them, and I’m standing by it. I’d say, “Every once in a while, I wished I had went to USC.” I don’t want to sound shallow, but this is a contributing element. No, I’m not particularly interested in a relationship, but it still sucks. I guess I should be used to it from going to Moreau (ouch!), but I’m not.

Speaking of Moreau, I never was much a big fan of the place. Still, I loved the people. There was an incredible sense of community. Perhaps I need a smaller institution? I don’t get this sense at JHU. Before going here, I was afraid to come here because I heard it was uber-competitive. The rumors are exaggerated. However, there’s a definite sense of every man for himself. Does it take time for community to develop? I didn’t love Moreau freshman year, but there was a definite attempt to make it an inclusive school. I never felt ostracized when I was an atheist the four years I was there.

Hopkins was never my first choice until the very end. I didn’t think I’d fit in. Finally, I decided, “Well, there’ll be normal people wherever I go.” Hopkins is full of nerds, I swear. I guess if you love the library, and you love academics, you might love Hopkins. I hate the library: It’s closed off from the world, and you can’t tell when it’s night or day. I guess it’s a microcosm of Hopkins, in general. It’s full of a bunch of isolated kids too engrossed in studying to take note of the outside world.

I’m exaggerating. There are normal people. But the normal people don’t love it here. We’re only united in our apathy and cynicism.

I’ll be perfectly honest, as a collective unit, I don’t like the people here. Individually, I can’t single anyone out. As a whole, though, like I said earlier, it lacks community. No one can call my judgment close-minded. I got to know as many people as I could during the time I’ve been here. I know a shitload of people. Do I know any of them well enough to judge them? Of course not. Still, I’m just not feeling it.

I think what contributes is that in general, Hopkins is composed of kids who are less social. They tend to have bigger personal bubbles. They tend to stick to their tiny group of friends they initially meet.

There’s nothing to do here on weekends except frat parties. I don’t drink. I don’t do the frat parties because I doubt the amount of fun I’ll have without alcohol in my system. When I visited USC, they were hella cool with the people who didn’t drink. Some drank, some didn’t. They all respected each other’s choices. I might guess that the general social awkwardness contributes to the drinking. They need the alcohol to be more sociable, perhaps? To have a good time? I know none of them would characterize it that way, but when you analyze it as a group, it seems to make sense. Of course, there are normal party-goers, normal drinkers, normal whores, but I see most of the kids at JHU as followers, not leaders, in this behavior. In fact, they’re all mostly followers than leaders.

And as I write this, I wonder if I’ve tapped into the main dilemma for me. Is Johns Hopkins a community of leaders? We have the BME’s. We have the pre-med’s. We have the IR majors. That’s covers most of the kids at JHU, it seems. Are any of these kids ambitious? Yes, they tend to be hardworkers. Still, I feel a lack of a certain… je ne sais quoi. I can’t say that I’m right. I can only say that while I’m here, I don’t feel ambitious. Do you kids care about more than grades? Getting into a good grad school? At one end we have that, and at the other end, a certain apathy. We have a lack of caring at this school.

When I visited USC, the kids I met loved it there. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but they liked it. Nobody says they like it here. Maybe they do, and they’re too afraid to admit it. To me, it adds up to the same result. I remember their pride in their football team. I remember my interview. I remember talking to the admissions person about what really impressed me about USC was the pride they take in their school. Where’s the pride in Hopkins? There’s a certain truth in a jokes we make about our school. We’re not pleased.

In addition, the food is absolute shit. Okay, yes, I can put up with it, but it says something when the staple diet is pizza. That’s the only item on the menu that’s always solid. I miss my car. I want to be able to go places, but I can’t. Because this place is located in the ghetto. Because the public transportation system is shit. Because I don’t want to spend obscene amounts of money on taxis. I’m not independent; I just have a different kind of leash.

I’ve heard that Hopkins kinds of grows on you. That’s not what I want. That means this place is shit. You don’t learn to love it. You learn to get used to it. Okay, clearly, some people would argue against me. I can’t generalize like that. Still, as an individual, that’s not the kind of school I want. That’s what it would mean for me.

Complacency can’t guide my actions. I can’t stay here if I don’t like it here. While I’m on the East Coast, I should probably take advantage of it. I should visit schools here. I’ll visit schools in California during winter vacation.

I’ll give Hopkins a chance. Still, the option of transferring is on the table. I’m sending out those apps.

So, now you know why I don’t like it here.