I’ve noticed that before, when people asked me how I was doing, I would say, “I’m surviving.” Now, I’ve become partial to lamenting that I’m dying. I just now noticed the drastic difference in diction. How am I going to survive a year here?

When Dick Morris was talking, he said that the political process was becoming more democratic. Way back when (before I heard him talk), I said the Miers nomination was going to show bloggers just how irrelevant they were. Lo and behold, Miers withdraws. It looks like we really are entering a new age of politics.

Hallelujah! My prayers have been answered! New shower curtains in our bathroom! Later today, I will check if it’s just our bathroom, or others, as well. If it’s only mine, my voice will not be silenced so easily.

I took a walk today, and I was inspired by a pile of trash. One of my future newsletter stories will be on recycling.

Hm, I’m surprised.

If these shower curtains aren’t replaced by Friday, I’m dropping one of my newsletters into President Brody’s fucking mailbox.

I’m pissed. I put my satirical News-letter up on my door, and someone took it off. I feel like my first amendment rights were violated. Nay, I feel like a prisoner. I wonder if I’m even allowed to put whatever I want on my fucking door. That color version cost me 35 cents to print. The least they could do was slide it under my door.

So, I walk into the bathroom and the shower curtains look replaced [EDIT: Never mind, I was seeing things. The first one is still grody as hell, but my roommate told me last night that the third stall looked new.], but second shower curtain is gone, replaced with a yellow piece of paper that says, “See Shawn in room 338. What?” I live in 335. I don’t know why the fuck the paper’s there or what’s going on, if someone is mad or happy. Personally, I don’t give a fucking shit. I’ll offend who I want whenever the fuck I want because I had to put up with those grody-ass shower curtains. That picture is never going to die; I don’t care when you replace the curtains. The fact remains that I had to put up with those curtains for two weeks at the very least. Thanks for people at Quality of Life at RAB for assuring me that they were working on it, but if you don’t want your asses to the fire, then cut through the fucking red tape faster. I’m not paying 40k to put up with this bullshit.

The Agnoiologist is not done. I WILL NOT REST! I will find other issues, expose other faults! Rest assured, this one-man First Amendment crusade will never falter, no matter what obstacles are placed in my way.

I WILL NOT REST!

Here’s a picture of the paper. It’s written on the back of an Escort Van fact sheet.

I recently wrote a Post-It that says, “To be great, you must be slightly insane.” Oh yes, I plan on being slightly insane. Hence, the Agnoiologist News-Letter. I sure got some attention. For all of you who haven’t clicked the link for the news-letter, here’s the picture from the main story, Students Enjoy Grody Shower Curtains:

Please download this one page Word document: The Agnoiologist Vol I, Issue 1. Enjoy.

The Agnoiologist is about to also become a one-page news-letter. More details later.

nothing outrageous to write about today. ho hum, ho hum. there may have been moments in the past, but right now, I can’t think of anything.

Somewhere, I have a Post-It that says something along the lines of the problem isn’t that people are stupid, it’s that people are delusional. I’ve got a new Post-It that says, “The main problem of this world is that people never know what they’re talking about.” I’m not sure if they don’t know, or don’t care… or maybe some combination of both. In any case, the basic problem is BS.

Yesterday, Dick Morris did a talk at JHU. I thought it was a breath of fresh air. Finally, someone who knew what he was talking about — AND I was interested in what he was talking about.

Some people thought he was… well, a dick. They thought he was rather full of himself. I dunno. I read a book on Donald Trump. Trump loves truthful hyperbole. I’ve converted to the same philosophy. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. So, I thought Dick Morris was awesome. I plan on buying his new book.

They tell me, “You get what you put into it.” Maybe that means Hopkins is not right. I don’t feel motivated at all. Don’t tell me it’s me. Two of my main post-it’s say, “Complacency is my biggest enemy,” and, “What do you want? Take it.” It’s not me; it’s this place. I need to go somewhere I feel motivated and ambitious, even if it’s not as academically prestigious.

It’s not worth it for $40k a year. I had a half ride to USC. If I was a little more than half as happy at USC, I’d be getting more for my dollar. Food for thought.

I’m so glad for NASA’s plan to return to the Moon. The newspaper commenters think they’re so clever saying, “Hey, didn’t we already do this in the 1960’s?” Well, you guys are idiots. Mars isn’t a hop, skip, and a jump from the Moon; it is crazy farther away. It’s just not feasible right now.

Besides, look at the Chinese. They just made their second manned trip to space. They seem very proud. Doesn’t anyone else see the threat?

Let me tell you now: If we don’t go back to the Moon, the Chinese will own it.

That’s why we need to get back to the Moon. If you’re American, if you care about the future of America, you want us to have the Moon, not the Chinese, and that means supporting NASA’s missions. Private investors can’t do it. Too much risk. We need NASA.

Oh, those rich college students are sooo aware, involved, and compassionate. Listen up readers, I must tell you a story of profound irony in this world. I’m going to tell you about Boxfest!

Boxfest is this magical event Habitat for Humanity thought of to raise awareness about the homeless! You get to sleep in a box on the Lawn, hang out with your friends, and eat free pizza, just like real homeless people do! Now, you too, can learn what troubles the homeless must deal with. I wonder what genius came up with this idea.

Unfortunately, there was heavy rain on the day of Boxfest. Boxfest was postponed. What a wonderful decision! It’s good that Habitat for Humanity is looking out for the good of the JHU students. I mean, real homeless people get to sleep in their nice cozy dorms if there happens to be inclement weather. We wouldn’t want the kids’ experiences to be tainted by something like cold, harsh reality, right?

Way to raise awareness, Habitat for Humanity at JHU! Way to go! Now we know how much you really care. Now we know how compassionate college students really are.

Oh noes! Right wing bloggers are dissatisfied with Miers! Well, it looks like George Bush is gonna have to withdraw his nomination.

You guys got such big heads after “Rathergate.” The Miers nomination is going to show you guys how irrelevant you really are. Besides, do you guys honestly think Bush cares about the future of the Republican Party? Bush cares about Bush. Bush wants a friend on the Supreme Court. Bush puts friend on Supreme Court. End of story.

I wonder about partisanship today. Miers is an obvious crony. The conventional wisdom is that Democrats would’ve fought tooth and nail against another well-qualified conservative. So, if this nomination is hurting the Republican party, I guess the Democrats don’t care about putting up a fight. Hmm… I wonder whatever happened to: “What’s best for America?” On both sides.

In my estimation, what’s best for America is to oppose the pick of a crony, so it doesn’t set an example for future presidents. So it doesn’t say, “Hey, you want a pick for the Supreme Court without a confirmation battle? Pick a mediocre candidate who doesn’t please anyone! And while you’re at it, make sure that person’s your friend!”

I don’t care about what hurts what party. Any repercussions over this battle are long gone in time, while Miers will still sit on the court, making her decisions. Don’t you understand the stakes?

I’ve been avoiding writing weblog entries. I still wanted to keep up with updating, but I’ve been making entries short. I’ve just been avoiding writing in here. There are things I could’ve talked about, but I haven’t felt like sitting down and typing these things on my weblog. I’ve felt disconnected from the world. I keep up with the online sources, but I still feel isolated.

There’s been an issue that I’ve been stuck on, and I’m not sure how to address it. So, I’m just going to let it all out.

I don’t like it here. I’m not particularly happy with Johns Hopkins.

I’ve been unhappy for a while, I think. I keep doing things, but I never feel satisfied. I’ll have a full day. I’ll keep myself busy, but at the end of the day, I can’t go to sleep at night thinking, “Wow, today was really fulfilling.”

Only a few days ago did I think to put the puzzle pieces together and realize that it was the location that was killing me. It’s not a problem of homesickness. Sure, I miss California, I miss my family, but not that much. I’m not dying to go back. I don’t feel jealous of the kids who can visit home. I’m only envious that they can escape this place. I’ve felt like taking a vacation, but this is away from home. It didn’t seem to make sense at first, but now it does.

Many a time, I’ve been asked, “So, how do you like it here at Hopkins?” Mostly, the older kids asked it. I kept saying, “So far, so good.” I mean, the campus is a nice size. I guess the kids were nice. I wasn’t particular unhappy. I enjoyed the independence.

Still, a few days ago, I had a gradual epiphany. It wasn’t a satori; it was more like when you really wake up — not with a start. I asked myself, “Do you like it here at Hopkins?” and I realied that the answer was a resounding No.

I’m not sure why it took so long. I guess that makes the feeling more true. Maybe the independence wore off. Maybe the novelty wore off. Maybe the weather changed. I don’t get the sense that it’s a biased hatred. It seems to be a beginning cloud that will coalesce into an informed opinion.

I’d been joking about the girls here to my friends back at home. Frumpy is my word for them, and I’m standing by it. I’d say, “Every once in a while, I wished I had went to USC.” I don’t want to sound shallow, but this is a contributing element. No, I’m not particularly interested in a relationship, but it still sucks. I guess I should be used to it from going to Moreau (ouch!), but I’m not.

Speaking of Moreau, I never was much a big fan of the place. Still, I loved the people. There was an incredible sense of community. Perhaps I need a smaller institution? I don’t get this sense at JHU. Before going here, I was afraid to come here because I heard it was uber-competitive. The rumors are exaggerated. However, there’s a definite sense of every man for himself. Does it take time for community to develop? I didn’t love Moreau freshman year, but there was a definite attempt to make it an inclusive school. I never felt ostracized when I was an atheist the four years I was there.

Hopkins was never my first choice until the very end. I didn’t think I’d fit in. Finally, I decided, “Well, there’ll be normal people wherever I go.” Hopkins is full of nerds, I swear. I guess if you love the library, and you love academics, you might love Hopkins. I hate the library: It’s closed off from the world, and you can’t tell when it’s night or day. I guess it’s a microcosm of Hopkins, in general. It’s full of a bunch of isolated kids too engrossed in studying to take note of the outside world.

I’m exaggerating. There are normal people. But the normal people don’t love it here. We’re only united in our apathy and cynicism.

I’ll be perfectly honest, as a collective unit, I don’t like the people here. Individually, I can’t single anyone out. As a whole, though, like I said earlier, it lacks community. No one can call my judgment close-minded. I got to know as many people as I could during the time I’ve been here. I know a shitload of people. Do I know any of them well enough to judge them? Of course not. Still, I’m just not feeling it.

I think what contributes is that in general, Hopkins is composed of kids who are less social. They tend to have bigger personal bubbles. They tend to stick to their tiny group of friends they initially meet.

There’s nothing to do here on weekends except frat parties. I don’t drink. I don’t do the frat parties because I doubt the amount of fun I’ll have without alcohol in my system. When I visited USC, they were hella cool with the people who didn’t drink. Some drank, some didn’t. They all respected each other’s choices. I might guess that the general social awkwardness contributes to the drinking. They need the alcohol to be more sociable, perhaps? To have a good time? I know none of them would characterize it that way, but when you analyze it as a group, it seems to make sense. Of course, there are normal party-goers, normal drinkers, normal whores, but I see most of the kids at JHU as followers, not leaders, in this behavior. In fact, they’re all mostly followers than leaders.

And as I write this, I wonder if I’ve tapped into the main dilemma for me. Is Johns Hopkins a community of leaders? We have the BME’s. We have the pre-med’s. We have the IR majors. That’s covers most of the kids at JHU, it seems. Are any of these kids ambitious? Yes, they tend to be hardworkers. Still, I feel a lack of a certain… je ne sais quoi. I can’t say that I’m right. I can only say that while I’m here, I don’t feel ambitious. Do you kids care about more than grades? Getting into a good grad school? At one end we have that, and at the other end, a certain apathy. We have a lack of caring at this school.

When I visited USC, the kids I met loved it there. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but they liked it. Nobody says they like it here. Maybe they do, and they’re too afraid to admit it. To me, it adds up to the same result. I remember their pride in their football team. I remember my interview. I remember talking to the admissions person about what really impressed me about USC was the pride they take in their school. Where’s the pride in Hopkins? There’s a certain truth in a jokes we make about our school. We’re not pleased.

In addition, the food is absolute shit. Okay, yes, I can put up with it, but it says something when the staple diet is pizza. That’s the only item on the menu that’s always solid. I miss my car. I want to be able to go places, but I can’t. Because this place is located in the ghetto. Because the public transportation system is shit. Because I don’t want to spend obscene amounts of money on taxis. I’m not independent; I just have a different kind of leash.

I’ve heard that Hopkins kinds of grows on you. That’s not what I want. That means this place is shit. You don’t learn to love it. You learn to get used to it. Okay, clearly, some people would argue against me. I can’t generalize like that. Still, as an individual, that’s not the kind of school I want. That’s what it would mean for me.

Complacency can’t guide my actions. I can’t stay here if I don’t like it here. While I’m on the East Coast, I should probably take advantage of it. I should visit schools here. I’ll visit schools in California during winter vacation.

I’ll give Hopkins a chance. Still, the option of transferring is on the table. I’m sending out those apps.

So, now you know why I don’t like it here.

Tonight, I was reading some old AIM conversations I had saved. It was very fun and somewhat enlightening reliving some moments. It’s kind of like looking over old photos, or reading my old weblog entries, but still entirely different. Instant messenger is more candid — and by that, I mean both spontaneous and honest. Moreover, looking back gives you a completely different point of view.

Mostly, it made me realize the vast wealth of experiences I can tap into as a writer. Even though I’m only 18, and feel like I’ve done nothing, I can still find things to write about.

I’m not going into specifics. I guess this entry is more for me, than you, the reader. It’s a place marker in my life. Sometimes, it’s okay to be self-indulgent.

I can understand why some Teddy Grahams have their hands up and some have their hands down, but why are there Teddy Graham whores with their legs open?

One thing I dislike more than emo kids are ambiguously emo kids. Kids who are totally emo but deny their emo-ness. Or Wothic (wannabe Gothic) kids who hate emo kids. Just kids who you can’t tell if they’re emo or not, and they won’t tell you that they’re emo.

JHU is retarded. The giant lawn in front of the library is called the Beach. People tan out there like it’s a beach. It’s not a fucking beach. It’s a lawn.