A group of concerned Romans are on a crusade to bring back the real meaning of the holiday season: worshipping the gods. They are demanding that department stores greet their customers with “Bona Saturnalia!” rather than the all-inclusive “Happy Holidays.” So far, their boycott has been unsuccessful, but they are hopeful.

“Of course we’re not going to get results right away. For almost two thousand years, we’ve let them get away with hijacking our holiday. They’ve added so many elements: the creche, Jesus… It’s just not the same holiday. And don’t get me started with the secularists. It’s about time we took back the holiday,” said one unhappy ancient Roman.

Indeed, while we used to look at a representation of Saturnus, now we have Santa Claus. A recent survey indicated that “practically no one except a couple of losers” celebrate Saturnalia.

Still, the ancient Romans are not discouraged. One Roman explains, “It’s not just about taking back our holiday, but about excluding people. That’s what the holiday season is really about: excluding those who don’t share our beliefs.”