I glossed over the detail of having Mass that day, and the fact that there’s a new bishop because I was trying to make a different point. This new bishop is crazy and I had trouble during Mass trying not to bust up laughing.

The way this guy opens up his speech is by mentioning a sports jersey. He says there’s a patch on it, which signifies that it’s the real deal, authenticated by the NBA. He compares himself to the patch.

Yes, children, get your True Christian patches, right here! A patch! Why didn’t anyone think of that before? Screw loving your enemies, I just want the “I Love My Enemies” patch!

He’s the patch that authenticates the ceremonies and makes sure they aren’t cheap knock-offs. There’s an unbroken chain from the Apostles copying the exact things Jesus did. He says they’re the exact ceremonies Jesus performed, and these things weren’t decided by a committee.

Hm… how about the Council of Nicaea where they decided what True Catholics did?

Another thing: How can people sound so arrogant when they call themselves “unworthy”? I don’t know how he did it, but that was another moment when I almost couldn’t contain my laughter.

This bishop was definitely giving off vibes that we’re all sinners and don’t love God enough. Yes, the humans are inherently evil deal.I didn’t like it one bit. I don’t remember exactly what he said, and I know he wasn’t this extreme, but I was instantly reminded of this: Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God by Jonathan Edwards.

I don’t know if this was the bishop’s idea, but we didn’t even get to sit down during communion. I suppose I could’ve sat down myself, but they told us to stay standing up. I don’t know what the norm is, but at our school, I never stood up the entire time during communion.

Completely catching me off guard, he breaks into song at one point during the part where he talks about the wine being Jesus’ blood and stuff. Anyone seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? It was the tune those monks sing, only the words were in English, not Latin. However, I have no idea if it’s a direct translation (I doubt it). I contained my laughter, but Ian and Richard next to me didn’t. I also resisted the urge to pretend to slam something onto my forehead (while Richard didn’t).

One last gripe: He was miked the whole time, so his voice cut through while the choir was singing. Not that I like the choir (another story for another time), but his voice exacerbated the horribleness, there was some sort of time delay between their singing (probably his fault).